Tissues for my issues

I am leaving for Kuching for my annual Rainforest World Music Festival trip in 2 weeks’ time. How do I feel? Blank…

I am leaving for Bali (or rather was forced into) in end of July. Am I looking forward to it? I really don’t know. Its sweet the peeps are trying to build my anticipation but I am just not feeling it.

At this point of where I am, I feel so directionless. Work task just comes yelling of urgency one after another and I don’t think I know how to cope anymore. Well, perhaps I should talk to the boss but really…what’s the point. Is this what I need the next few years of where I want to be in my life? I don’t know. I love digital, I like the challenge and look forward to the changes but it is holding me back in life. I don’t earn enough to support my lifestyle and don’t feel appreciated enough to pick up the pieces to hold together what I’m doing. Some said to take time off to get rid of my jadedness but I doubt that will help anymore. I feel as if I am failing to hold my fort together. It’s crumbling and I am helpless. I don’t know what more motivation is there left to keep me sane.

Perhaps it’s pure frustration. Are people blind? I am still here, smiling and doing what it takes to get things done but I feel like a walking bomb, time is ticking and it’s ticking faster in my head. I am definitely not stuck here to what I do. There are loads of opportunities out there but I do not want to take the easy way out jumping on the first thing that gives me my ticket out. I am picky and I am still waiting for the next big break to come.

I used to pick a job based on career learning and growth, I still want that. I am not one of those who wants an easy 9 – 5 job and leave when time is up. However, I now need to be realistic. I need something that can sustain me, enough for me to pay my commitment and spend for entertainment end of the day. I don’t have the luxury to spend. I still skim on many things I want and settle for things that could keep me happy for now. This is not how I want to see myself in years to come. I want to have the luxury to ‘throw’ some money around, affording trips, spending more time with the family and mostly, to have more me time.

These days, my me time is all prioritized to work. Yes, I take proud ownership to what I do but what is in for me? What is my carrot for putting in so much effort? If being an employee means plain execution, perhaps it’s time for me to put this effort in something of my own. Easy said but there needs to be more detailed planning and proper financial backup before I could even start envisioning of having something of my own. I don’t doubt that this will happen one day but till that day come, I really need a change…